Yes, my kid is a genius. And so is yours.

All four of my kids have potty trained before they graduated to the two-year-old nursery at church.  At some point with each of them, I've dropped them off at the "walker" nursery with instructions to take them potty.  And it never fails to amaze the nursery workers that they actually succeed.

 I get a lot of How do you do it? My kid is three and still not trained.


Well, the first question I would ask is, have you tried?  Gently, maybe you're not giving your kid enough credit.  Or maybe you're not giving yourself enough credit.  If your kid is developmentally normal and you want to train them, you can train them.  And they can be trained.

Also, they can learn to read before age 2.  Just kidding.

Although our foremothers trained all of us early, my children's unusualness is not surprising in light of modern advice on the subject.

Consider the following unhelpful tidbits from Babycenter:

"Some children aren't interested in potty training until they're closer to 3, or even 4."

Here is a truncated list of some other things my toddlers aren't interested in:  wiping their nose, putting their toys away, staying in their beds, not whacking people with blocks, sitting still when required, staying away from the hot stove, or eating only clean food.

Here's a little secret:  parenting, by definition, is many years of making your kid do stuff they don't want to do.  Not interested in pooping anywhere other than your pants?  Tough.

"Before 12 months of age, children can't control their bladder or bowel movements."

This is patently untrue.  I practiced infant potty training with my second child, because I'm just that weird, and had her going in the potty on cue at 2 months of age.  Anyone who claims that babies have no control has never travelled to the many places around the world where diaperless babies are the norm and, for the most part, do not soil themselves.

From the completely ridiculous, horrendously misleading, utterly irrelevant, yet potty-gospel list of "readiness signs":

"[The child] is coordinated enough to walk, and even run, steadily."

Might I suggest that the ability to run is not only not necessary to peeing in the potty, but also rather unsuited to the patience required to sit still for 30 seconds?

Who says a child needs to be able to walk himself to the potty in order to use it?  Do you wait for a child to walk to the kitchen before you feed him?

My first child, who was trained at 17 months, had early success precisely because he couldn't walk.  It's a lot easier to keep a kid sitting when they can't physically walk (or run!) away.

"[The child] can pull his pants up and down."

Again, completely irrelevant.  I'm not talking about a potty-trained child meaning one who is completely independent and ready to go off to college.  I'm talking about a child who does not need diapers, but will, with help, use a toilet for their needs.

"[The child] isn't resistant to learning to use the toilet [and] is in a generally cooperative stage, not a negative or contrary one."

Ahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Good one, potty experts!  Toddlers are totally known for their cooperative spirit and their lack of negativity, contrariness and resistance to all things reasonable.  

Here's secret #2:  If you're waiting for your toddler to become charming, cooperative, and eager to follow all your instructions, well... there's yer trouble.

If you want to potty train, you're going to have to assume some authoritative leadership.  Please don't wait for your toddler to come up with the idea on their own and then wonder why it's not happening.  Note this is different from the parent not being ready to potty train, which can be the case for all manner of legitimate reasons.

(One of those legitimate reasons would be the desire for the training process to take as little time as possible.  I can't speak to that, since mine all trained about the same age.  Though there is concern about the difficulty of unlearning ingrained habits; in theory, I think, the younger you start, the longer the training will take.)  

Now, if you want to wait until your child is older to potty train, by all means, please do so.  I am addressing merely those who, over the years, have expressed amazement with a little wistful sadness. 

Maybe sometime I'll write a Part Two for this post with more specific how-to's.  

But today, hear me, wistfully sad parents!  Most everything you've heard about potty training is a bunch of hooey!  Your child will not be psychologically damaged by making them sit on the potty against their mighty toddler will!  

Here's secret #3:  poop is gross, whether on the floor, on furniture, smeared into every crevice in your kid's hinder parts, or (slightly less so) in the toilet.  Having a child means you have to deal with poop.  It's unavoidable.  It's disgusting.  It happens daily.  And potty training means you'll have to deal with it in new, myriad, and unexpected ways.  Which leads us to

Secret #4:  potty training requires commitment.  Like, to the asylum.  Just kidding! (mostly)

Please, Other Parents, think not when I show up with my adorable little genius and clean fingernails at church that he's a prodigy who trained himself without me ever dealing with accidents.  I could tell you stories that would make your hair curl.  

This is not a picture of my child sitting on an enormous potty, although after writing all this, that's all I see.  Obviously, it's Jeddy doing his math paper on top of the Bobcat sitting in our driveway.

Also please note that I am talking about daytime, awake potty training--although I do have one kid (of four) who was dry through the night before age 2.  

I am willing to sacrifice my mythical status as the potty whisperer if only to free other parents from the tyranny of elusive "readiness signs" and fear of apocalyptic psychological damage.  My kids may be geniuses (naturally), but they're not as unique as you think they are.