The Neti pot has no clothes

Last week, in what became possibly my favorite day of this summer, I spent all day wandering around downtown waiting for the garage to fix the car’s whatzit belt.  

I read in the sun.  I read in the shade.  I got myself coffee.  I went for a walk.  I took myself out to lunch.

The next day Lizzy and I visited puppies after our horse lesson.

And then, I succumbed to The Bug.  Congestion, cough, mild fever, fatigue and So. Much. Snot.  All the snot in the world, coming out of my face.  

Get a Neti pot! they said.  It’ll work wonders! they said.  My husband/daughter/aunt swears by it! they said.  5 stars! Amazon said.  

Well.  I now know that the whole world is arrayed against me in a nefarious conspiracy.  Along with every Neti pot sold is a tiny microchip camera with live feed to a common room where the powers that be watch the Neti victim scour the instructions, carefully use the device as instructed…and then buckle under overwhelming saline asphyxiation.

Using a Neti pot as instructed involves carefully mixing medical-grade salt into medical-grade water in a tiny teapot, tilting one’s head to one’s side, and pouring said mixture directly into one’s nostril.  According to the instructions and the acolytes, the flow should come out the other nostril in a glorious rush of cleansing, germ-defeating relief and glory.

The truth, as I now know, is that you are verrrry carrrrefully waterboarding yourself with a miniature teapot.  The salt water trickles down your throat, into your upturned eyeballs, into places inside your head that God never intended salt water to go.  And in some far-off room, the Neti conspirators laugh.  They laugh and laugh as you sputter and gasp into your sink, every part of your head dripping.

And when your friend asks How did the Neti pot go? you are faced with a question.  Do you admit that you are too much of a fool to figure out how to properly pour water through your face—or maybe your sinus system isn’t actually connected the way the rest of humankind’s is, which is why the water found its way into half of your bodily anatomy but not out the other nostril!  Or do you quietly succumb to the fable that yes, the Neti pot is wonderful.  I, too, enjoyed the Neti experience.  

Honestly, I don’t know if I have enough courage to speak out.  The Neti pot people might come and waterboard me into recanting.

I tested negative for covid and all I got to show for it was this tiny yard sign.