What I talk about when I talk about aging

 

I’m not getting old.

It’s just that a lot of days have passed since the illustrious day of my birth.

Checking out of Walmart last week with my grocery order including plenty of fruits and vegetables and a 25-ounce can of the very cheapest beer in the cooler (Busch Light) to make a roast beef marinade, I was unable to make even a negligible human connection with the cashier, who had clearly worked long enough in exclusively fluorescent lighting conditions for the spark to entirely disappear from behind her eyes. When she got to the beer, she paused, and my fingers started hopefully creeping toward my driver’s license in my open wallet. She looked up, stared me dead in the eye, and silently scanned the beer without breaking eye contact. 

Lizzy returned from camp last week with a bug that knocked her out completely for one day and kept her on the couch for several more. 

I have now embraced that bug. 

Or I should say the bug has embraced me. I’m not exactly welcoming it. 

One thing mild illness is good for is working through the stack of books on my nightstand double-quick. I just finished What I Talk About When I Talk About Running, which was okay, but I couldn’t help feeling annoyed by the I-run-ten-miles-every-day-and-I’ve-never-been-injured-or-sick-a-day-in-my-life motif. Somehow my running memoir would be more like 

I run thirty minutes a day, and by “run,” I mean when I answered my doctor’s question about my pace, he said, “Ok, so jogging.” I sweat a lot, and pant like a juicy piglet with a wolf in pursuit. I specifically tried hard to shave a few minutes off my time and succeeded in adding a few minutes instead. And then I got a cold and haven’t gotten out of bed since.

The author talks a fair amount about aging, and the struggle to accept his decreased limitations. But the man is fifty-six, as of publication, and still completing one marathon and one triathlon every year. But not as fast as he used to! 

So is it inevitable that a normal person like yours truly would struggle to find it impossible to move as fast or recover as quickly as I did thirty years ago?

I don’t know if my memory is rose-tinted or I’m just so old that not as many viruses had evolved yet when I was a teenager, but I do not remember staying home from school for a week every time I had a cold. 

And yet, here I am, flopping on my bed and wondering if this is how it all ends: with clogged ears and a chest cough, wondering when was the last time I went outside.

I’d like there to be a scientific study documenting the immune-destroying effects of any spoken question starting with the word “Mom.” As in, Mom, can I play Minecraft? Mom, want to ooh and aah and hear all about the latest thing I did? Mom, who’s taking me to volleyball tomorrow? Mom, can I buy this off of Ebay? And most soul-sucking of all, Mom, what’s for dinner? 

I feel my T-cells in retreat every time a question reaches my ears. And I can’t even tell you how my lymph nodes shrivel into raisins if I glimpse the mess in the kitchen.

So maybe I just remember a world where someone brought me homemade chicken noodle soup and medicine and didn’t ask me hard questions, and thus I was able to go back to school before the illness even transferred to long-term memory. 

I wonder who that would have been? Mom, do you know where the chicken noodle soup came from? Can you call the school and tell them I’m sick? Will you ask them if I can retake my math test? Can I still play in the game on Friday? Oh, and Mom, what’s for dinner?

Dreaming

I notice every year that school planning is enormously more blissful than the year-long school doing. On paper, lessons fit neatly into time slots and move along in regular sequence. I’m in full control and move on to the next thing as soon as I’m satisfied with the last. And everything gets neatly checked off without challenge or opposition.

Just like real school.

School planning is long done and I’m deep into let my brain melt away mode, but I think I’m experiencing a similar detached-from-reality effect when I think about my discretionary time this fall. 

I’ll have so much free time! School will only take an hour a day! I could get a part-time job! I can finally clean All The Things and reclaim my long-lost sewing room! Maybe I’ll even learn to sew! I’ll have a flower bed! Maybe I’ll take up weightlifting! I can do Anything!!

So I’ll simultaneously reclaim twenty years worth of letting the housework go and learn several new hobbies and get an outside job and have hours of beatific leisure. At least that’s what will happen if all my disparate ambitions come to fruition. 

Regretfully, registering Lizzy for volleyball today and seeing the practice schedule injected a micro-dose of cold reality into my daydreaming. I may not actually accomplish much of the pleasure or business I dream of, unless driving to volleyball every day counts as a part-time job.

But I have several weeks left of envisioning an upcoming life of bliss wherein I also magically get to do All The Things.

Tuesday Ten

Ten Things I Asked Google This Week

1. Where was the bridge on the River Kwai?

Inspired by a friend’s daughter who visited this bridge in Thailand, I looked it up. I always thought it was in Vietnam, although I’m not sure why I thought that. My historical context is a little shaky since I mostly know of it from We Didn’t Start the Fire (the same source for my [extremely limited] knowledge of Dacron, Brigitte Bardot, thalidomide…and an embarrassingly large number of other lyrical references).

2. How do you make bread crumbs?

I brought back several loaves of stale-ish sandwich bread from the beach and needed to replenish my freezer supply.

Perfect way to spend the day before the Fourth of July, when young men with internships have the day off, and it’s 40 billion degrees. 

3. How can you see a chart of your running times on Apple?

I’m working toward a sub-30 5k and I use the workout app on my watch, which tells me my time each time I finish a workout, but it took forever to figure out how to view my times from past days. With help from Gemini, I created a shortcut on my phone that takes me to a list of my running times.

4. Was it Jim Justice who showed his dog’s hiney during a speech?

Yes it was.

5. What are common side effects of SSRIs? 

Asking for a friend who’s been on Zoloft for thirteen years and is wondering, now that her husband’s high-stress job is gone, if life would get better, worse, or stay the same if she lowered her dose.

6. When is the World Cup final?

I’ve surprised myself with how much interest I’ve shown in the World Cup (ie, more than zero). I think it helps that I understand who is playing whom. (The rest of the year when Jason is watching soccer: Me: Who’s playing? Jason: England. Me: Who else? Jason: England. Then why…are they…playing…?)

7. What is The Last House Guest about?

After being blown away by All the Missing Girls, I added every single Megan Miranda book to my TBR list. I just finished both The Girl From Widow Hills and Such a Quiet Place, and then noticed that The Last House Guest was missing from my TBR. I added it before bits of the plot started coming back to me and I finally remembered that I have read it—and that it was a letdown after All the Missing Girls, which cooled me on reading the others for a while. But I’m on board again, having finished (and enjoyed) The Last to Vanish last night (very apropos in thunderstormy weather!) and looking forward to starting The Only Survivors, still sitting on my nightstand.

Fourth of July, waiting for it to get dark enough for fireworks

8. How much does heat affect running time?

Before the thunderstormy weather there was the surface-of-the-sun-except-more-humid weather. Having finally figured out how to view and compare my running times since June 1, I was dismayed to realize that I’ve gained two minutes, when I’m working hard to get faster. 

You can pretty much find any answer you want to find if you look long enough, so I stopped as soon as the internet gave me a formula that, when calculated, told me that an equivalent time in the current temperatures would’ve had me gaining five minutes since the relatively cool early June. 

9. What does 77º, 81% humidity feel like?

For the aforementioned calculations.

10. How does the pacer function in the Apple workout app work?

Pretty neat, assuming it works as stated—you can tell it what you want your distance and time to be and it’ll give you a live graphic during your run showing whether you need to speed up or slow down to hit your target. They also added a custom running workout option where you can set up interval times you want to do and it’ll ping you when it’s time to sprint or recover or whatever.

Now if only it had a function that said It’s so hot you’re amazing for even being here and your two minutes of gained time in fact proves how incredible you are!