We just got back from a two-week (!) vacation to round out our post-(worst-part-of-the?) pandemic summer, wherein we see all the people and do all the things.
In this particular adventure, we left home at 2am due solely to the need to get Jed more night driving hours before he comes of age to take his driver’s test this fall.
So we started out with the least experienced driver in control and sleep-deprived, Jason in the front seat supervising, and me sleeping fitfully in the back. They woke me at sunrise bleary-eyed and barely functioning, Caleb having not closed his eyes since 2. I put in my contacts in the gas station bathroom and drove the rest of the way to Gatlinburg.
We arrived at Crockett’s Breakfast Camp at 8:30am, the kids in various degrees of happiness about being there.
After Crockett’s famous griddle cakes, we walked up the strip to Ripley’s Aquarium.
There we discovered the the aquarium is much more crowded in July than in January. Still, the moving sidewalk through the shark tunnel and the penguin house were big hits. We also saw gigantic crabs, giant fish, cute little Nemo fish, snakes, eels, jellyfish, and seahorses. And Liz and Caleb enjoyed the multi-story indoor play structure.
By the time we walked back to our car at Crockett’s, the condo was ready for us, so we were able to go there and settle into our fifth-floor room overlooking the creek. Jed immediately collapsed on the couch for a nap while I showered, put on fresh clothes, and took the other kids to the grocery store in the middle of a major thunderstorm that soaked me all over again. We came back, put away our snacks and breakfast food, and then climbed in the girls’ bed together and watched Honey I Shrunk the Kids while the kids played Minecraft and I did my nails. After the movie we did mad libs.
Then we decided to have dinner at Margaritaville, so we walked there, only to discover that it was a two- to two-and-a-half-hour wait. So we walked on and decided TGI Friday was where we really wanted to eat anyway.
On Tuesday I woke up early and went for a run on the lovely river walk along the creek. When everyone got up we had Cheerios and granola bars and surprisingly good coffee, seeing as I was navigating an actual coffee pot rather than a Keurig.
After breakfast we headed across the street to Dr. Hacker’s Mini Golf, which was immediately delightful because you ride a little train to the beginning of the course.
We kept score until Lizzy got an unfortunately extensive nosebleed on hole 11. Having no tissues and being quite far from any facilities, Jed took off and donated his own shirt for Lizzy to mop herself up with.
We did finish the course—even Lizzy—although there were blood smears on the incomplete scorecard. When we went home we started laundry and all freshened ourselves up. When we were sweat- and blood-free, we walked to Big Daddy’s Pizzeria, where they told us, at 1:30, that the wait was an hour long, whereby we decided where we actually wanted lunch was Cici’s, where we walked right in.
After lunch we returned home and relaxed with mad libs, Minecraft, and Olympic swim heats on TV. Then we went out early (clever us!) to Margaritaville and put in our name for the two-and-a-half-hour-wait.
We passed the time by finding the nearest go-kart establishment, where we bought bundle passes and also met a nice lady in line who gave us her leftover tickets.
Caleb rode in my kart and it was scarier than we expected, with a sudden drop after corkscrewing up several levels. I had to control my competitive desires out of love for Caleb and endure Jeddy’s smirks as he passed us. Did you even know go-karts have brakes??
We finished just in time to walk back and wait by the lovely fountain for a few minutes before they called our table.
After dinner, when it was dark, said fountain put on a super cool show, choreographed to music.
We walked home via river walk in time to see the Dollywood fireworks through the trees outside our hotel. People were itching for treats so Jason made a grocery run for ice cream and decaf coffee, which we enjoyed while watching more Olympics before bed.
Wednesday I had another run along the river while the kiddos slept in. When they got up we had a breakfast council to make plans for the rest of the week.
That being settled, the first thing on the new agenda was zorbing, which is essentially climbing into a giant rubber ball with a little bit of water that then rolls down a big hill.
Oh, and they give you a GoPro while you’re inside.
It’s like being inside a salad spinner, except it goes end over end.
(Don’t believe the website when it says “no tumbling.” Although that may be true on the purple course, which is a straight shot down, it is indubitably false on the gently zig-zagging red course.)
The only screenshot of me that is fit to publish is from before our ride actually started. After that my dignity became squashed like a ladybug caught under a giant, fast-moving rubber ball with people inside it.
The five of us each did the red course and the purple course.
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| Nothing like watching calmly as a stranger pushes your beloved offspring down a steep hill in a hamster ball. |
Jeddy took a bonus ride alone down the advanced orange course while we watched from below.
Surprisingly enough, I had a slight headache after our adventure, but we headed back home to Dr. Hacker’s to do their second course.
This time we were completely successful, completing 18 holes with zero nosebleeds.
That night we had reservations for Dolly’s Stampede. You get to meet the horses outside as you file in.
It started well, but Ada had a worrisome asthma attack as soon as the show got going. (“It wasn’t an asthma attack, Mom, it was an allergy attack….that led to an asthma attack.”)
So between the two of them, Jason and Ada are officially allergic to anything with fur (it could have been the buffalo or the longhorn steer, but the working theory is that she’s actually allergic to horses), but Ada gets much more dramatic about it than he does. He at least has the decency to keep breathing.
So while the crowd was gasping at trick riders jumping through fire, Ada was next to me gasping at nothing, while I wrung my hands and wondered how much longer the show would go on.
We of course made a beeline home as soon as it was over, and made her take Claritin, but by the time we got there she was almost completely better. We spent the evening relaxing with Minecraft and Olympic men’s gymnastics and synchronized diving with no more breathing problems for anyone.
Thursday we spent at Dollywood. It was hot.
So hot.
We started with lunch as soon as we arrived, because by now we’ve been in Pigeon Forge for a few days and we are outsmarting the masses.
We started with a water ride to get wet before we hit the roller coasters.
Something possessed me to ride the Wild Eagle with the three biggest kids. (I admire Caleb’s ability to know himself and pass on that.)
I may have deafened my ten-year-old with my screaming, but in my defense, that was the biggest dropoff on any roller coaster that I haven’t yet blocked out of my memory, and we were traveling so fast that afterwards Lizzy discovered a bug smashed on the toe of her shoe that had been innocently flitting around high in the sky when we came screaming through and annihilated it in midair.
After that, we split up and Lizzy chose to pursue less extreme entertainment with Daddy and Caleb, while I took the big kids on more roller coasters.
I was very brave.
But nothing was as bad as the Eagle.
Finally we rejoined for the log ride
and one last round on the carousel, after which we all agreed we were hot and exhausted and were never going to make it to the 9:45 fireworks show.
In fact, we drove out of there, had dinner at TGI Fridays, and went home, and I was still in bed at 7:30–a good two hours before the fireworks even started.
On Friday my river walk run was rainy so we spent the early morning stocking up at the grocery store with cereal, snacks, and food for Sunday.
When it cleared up we walked to Sawyer’s Farmhouse Breakfast and put our name on the ubiquitous wait list, which we waited out at an arcade that was included as part of our bundle pass.
It was an incredible breakfast, but Lizzy won the prize for adventurously ordering berry crepes that came with delicious cream cheese filling, which we all raved over.
After breakfast it was time for more go-karts and arcade fun.
Friday night we went to the Hatfield and McCoy Dinner Feud, which was lots of fun and featured a very impressive stage.
After a rainy run on the river, a trip to the grocery store, walking to breakfast, to the arcade, back to breakfast, back to the arcade, back home, and to the dinner theater, I had 17,000 steps on my watch, which was as many steps as I had on exhausting Dollywood day. It was a great night to put on pj pants and watch other people do Olympic triathlons on TV.
On Saturday we all slept in. After cereal and coffee, we set out to use up the last benefits of our go-kart bundle passes. We visited a new place that featured a special track for younger people, where Caleb enjoyed a private go-kart session on his own. The rest of us checked out their larger tracks, and Lizzy drove on one of them herself for the first time.
Then we walked to the third and final place, which featured an “extreme” track that we figured Jeddy would enjoy. We approached with our wristbands and found out only one of their three tracks was included, so we were directed to the “elevated track.” I embarrassed Ada by erroneously replying, “Where’s the elevator track?”
After enjoying the “elevator track,” we went back home and ate our various leftovers, mostly consisting of cheesy fries and mozzarella sticks, which fattening dairy meal we followed by going out for ice cream cones.
Then, following a tip we got from the lady in the original go-kart line, we drove to the river and went tubing. I scorned the sale of “pusher sticks” in the little shop where I bought water shoes, but pro tip: tubing on a low river is actually a lot more fun if you have a pusher stick, which can be found for free along your average river bank.
After a relaxing and refreshingly cool day floating down the river, we drove to Gatlinburg that evening and put in our name at Ole Red, where we were eventually seated right up front, exactly the spot Jason and I enjoyed so much two years ago!
I couldn’t believe when I glanced at my watch and realized we were sitting down at a restaurant with our kids to eat dinner at 9:00pm. The kids were very good sports about the loud environment and late hour. The band was great and amused us to no end as the guitarist looked so much like my brother (a “cool version” of him, the kids said).
Would that I could channel Vacation Mom in our everyday life, especially as we are looking to start the school year soon. Maybe I can’t spend every day go-karting with my kids, but hopefully I at least remember how much I enjoy spending time with them.
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