You know she's at least your third child when your three-year-old daughter goes out looking like this:
...and when someone asks how it happened, you can't remember.
Speaking of black eyes, I stood in the bean aisle today looking for the kidney beans when my eyes came across the black-eyed peas and I thought "I forgot to make black-eyed peas on New Year's for good luck." I thought how Hoppin' John would've been good with sausage.... why didn't I do that? I thought. Oh yeah--I was sick as a dog on New Year's. Huh. Maybe if you're too sick to make a good luck food on New Year's, that portends bad luck for the year.
Or if you start out the year with a black eye and your mother doesn't remember why.
Or if you're a poor sick little boy who can't even stay awake through his brother's lessons.
So it's a good thing we don't believe in luck.
Even if I did, I have a list of indicators that 2014 will be a better year for my mental health than several years in the recent past. And that totally counts more than black-eyed peas.
I was inspired by this blog post entitled How it Feels to be on Zoloft, which I read when I was debating going on it myself. It brought me to tears to read how very similar her "before" sounded to me. And I wept reading her "after," because I longed to be like that and wondered if it was possible for me.
So, thankfully acknowledging that every good and perfect gift is from God, I present this list of why drugs are good.
This is My Brain on Zoloft
1. The physical heaviness on my chest, the stomachache, and the occasional hyperventilating all disappeared.
2. One day I was outside for recess and noticed the sky was blue. It was pretty. I hadn't noticed that before.
3. Pre-Zoloft, I was so overwhelmed with life, I felt if I couldn't fix everything, it was pointless to try to fix anything. Afterwards, I did a few little things that helped life go a little more smoothly. I set up a special tupperware drawer just for Caleb to play in. I moved Lizzy's shoes and clothes within her reach so she could help herself. These things didn't solve every problem in the world, but they made a noticeable difference for me. I did one thing without having to do everything.
4. At Christmastime, I printed out a nativity scene and helped the girls cut out all the figures, getting scraps all over the floor in the process. I actually enjoyed this and didn't freak out about the scraps! Unbelievable.
5. I laugh more, particularly with my kids. The sound of my own laughter sounded strange to me at first, but I'm getting used to it. The very sensation of happiness felt strange.
6. One day we finished doing school, and only then did I notice how messy the living room was. Before, if it was messy I couldn't focus and spent the entire school day stressed and grumpy.
7. Instead of taking three tries to open my bedroom door in the morning, retreating to my bed between each try, now I can get that door open on the first try and face the day.
8. Jason was surprised one evening to hear me state that I wanted to watch The Simpsons and see me start putting in the DVD. He was much more used to the indecisive "I dunno; what do you want to do?"
9. One night Ada's asthma was flaring up and I could hear her coughing in her bed. I laid in my bed listening and thought, "Maybe she'll get really really sick and she'll have to go to the hospital and they'll have to run an IV and it'll be really scary..." And then I thought, "But that probably won't happen." And then I fell asleep. Formerly, the doomsday scenario would've been like a runaway train, impossible to stop. And the conclusion would never be "that probably won't happen."
10. Jason heard the words "It'll be ok" come out of me, referring to some problem with the kids. I've also been heard saying "It'll be fine" and "No big deal." Before, everything was a tremendously big deal and nothing was going to be ok.
11. I gained the self-confidence to start a blog.
12. One day I was sitting on the bed snuggled up with both girls, doing a kindergarten reading lesson with Ada while Lizzy listened, and I thought "This is fun!" It's such a gift from God not only to have good things in life, but the ability to enjoy them.
13. I had technical problems setting up this blog at first, and I was really frustrated about it for one day. Then I was over it. Likewise, I had a bad day with the kids one day, and the next day I woke up feeling fine. Setbacks don't ruin a whole week anymore.
14. When Jason leaves for work in the morning, instead of feeling stricken with doom, I look around at the kids and think, "This will be a fun adventure!"
15. Before, I sometimes thought my depression was justified because there's so much grief in the world: starvation, war, abuse. Now I not only see more of the beauty in this world, but that ultimately joy is greater than grief. In the end, God and those who love Him triumph. All things, even now, work together for good for those who are His. The very real evils in this world cannot deter the ultimate good.
16. My mood chart used to be stuck on anxious. If I didn't have a major reason to be something else, that's where it stayed. Now it's more interesting because it moves around. I experience a range of emotions--like a normal person, I imagine. And I've noticed that now the default position is "happy."
17. My evening and morning conversations (monologues?) with Jason used to be completely negative: fears I had, problems I faced, events I was dreading. I still tell Jason my fears and problems, but the tone of my talk is balanced with positive comments too.
18. Being on an antidepressant has made me get over the shame of being on an antidepressant. I'm able to admit my mood issues.
19. I'm much calmer overall. Even amid the frequent noise of screaming and crying around here, I'm often calm and sometimes even smiling. The noise doesn't jangle my nerves so badly.
20. Even in this most trying time of year (winter), I've noticed seasonal beauty: the sparkle of ice, the wonder of foggy breath, the pale stillness of nature.
"Bless the LORD, O my soul,
And forget none of His benefits...
Who heals all your diseases" Psalm 103:2-3
"Every good thing given and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights" James 1:17
"Is anyone cheerful? He is to sing praises." James 5:13
"Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think...to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations forever and ever. Amen." Ephesians 3:20-21
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